COFFEE DWELLERS: New Years Resolution = No More Manthers

The New Year is time for taking stock, time reflecting on past mistakes and learn from those lessons so you don't continue with that cycle of bad relationships with people, food, w

ork, etc....this lesson takes form in the annual New Years Resolution. What is yours? I've got 4 so far but working on a list of 100:

(1) To not kiss any frogs, douchebags, or any Stevens

(2) To work harder

(3) To not be so tough on myself

(4) To not date any more dudes pushing 50, in their 50s, or even resembling a manther

I've always had the warm and fuzzies for these baby boomers because they got that old-school appeal of being a gentleman, asking you out by calling you on the phone vs. texting (I received a date request via text 2 hours ago), opening doors, or understanding when you want to wait. Lately, I've been disappointed, their appeal is waning thru a series of mundane and boring dates, each one more frustrating then the next. It dawned on me during my flight back to LAX from Atlanta, I had dated so many manthers that I forgot what it was like to date in someone in my generation.

I gave myself a huge reality check, pulled myself out of that pit of denial, and wrote down reminders so I won't tempt myself again.

- They don't burn the midnight oil or stay up past Leno. Late night dinners give them heartburn.

- Going to bathroom in the middle of the night at least once is guaranteed.

- Adventure or risky are terms only familiar to them in watching movies or novels. They aren't likely to try sky-diving with you or rappel down cliffs.

- Increased amounts of hair growing from their eyebrows, ears, & nose.

- If they were never in shape before, not likely to start any exercise regime...so ladies, if you are in your prime 40s, they will be huffing and puffing during the mating ritual.

- Dinner & Movies are their M.O. Variety is not their schtick.

- They have a hair product aversion. No hairspray, gel, creme or wax. I don't know why this is but if any of my manthers are reading this, would you fill me in?

Manther #2, Jake the Jew: I knew it wouldn't last by the 2nd date because he was an "old" 50 and if I allowed it to continue, I would eventually be his nurse and we would be complaining about our ailments together. He was lean, smart, witty but a little 80s old fashioned. He never admitted it, but I detected that he had Parkinson's on our 2nd date, his hand jittered when pouring me a drink. His full head of gray hair was handsome but lost its appeal since it was floppy- he never made friends with gel, so it aged him even further. We attempted to be intimate once but the tree kept falling and I was embarrassed to ask if the needed Viagra. His bedroom reminded me of the early 90s, the whitewash furniture with navajo print rugs and blanket. He seemed to stop evolving past his early 30s, a time capsule in his home and hair. I tried hard to overlook everything since he was so sweet and gentleman to the core but there wasn't anything seductive about him. The moment I realized the end was near: he complained for 10 minutes that the city erected a stop sign on a side street that sucked for him..and he wore denim on denim. I couldn't get over it. Denim jacket and denim jeans.

While the guys here are gorgeous, being match-matchy is so 80s in a bad way.