Love Advice from a Crack Ho

If you're frustrated with your dating life, ask Propecia on what to do....

Big Girl Toys

I'm at the SXSW conference, land of the super-geek fest of bloggers, techies, web designers, and self proclaimed social media gurus and took a break to do research for datingavengers.   I came across Hello Kitty usb flash drives at a tradeshow booth, and wondered what other products Hello Kitty have girls and women fell in love with....

 

 Are you surprised that there is a Hello Kitty Pocket Rocket?

How Much is Too Much Detail When Blogging About Your Dates?

Guilty as charged...but this doesn't weigh too heavily on my conscience since its not a male bashing forum because I do give props to those guys who are absolute sweethearts. Unlike John Mayer who has bashed several exes and calling Jessica Simpson, Sexual Napalm, I prefer (as I'm sure the men do too) that I keep them anonymous, with special pet nicknames reserved for those who do dastardly things and deserve a few lashings from my riding crop.

I don't live in the public eye and fortunately have exes whose memories recount only the wonderful moments of our relationship but I have dished and shared the not most kind things and private details with my girlfriends....like:

"Kofax" who informed me that he expected the girl he was dating to take turns paying for dinners (date #3), threw a napkin at my face (date #4), made me cry (date #7), and spent most of the time we dated, telling me what to do. Yes, I shared date #3 details but neglected to fill in the blanks, embarrassed that I continue to date someone who wasn't that nice to me.

The Psychic to the Stars- Blind date set up by a complete stranger. How desperate was I? He wanted to do readings for Jeff Goldblum and gave me a personal reading. I was telepathically communicating the message, "you are full of shit", and wondered if it came across as soft whispers or loud screams. Blind dates signal desperation from your friends and family, but set up by a stranger???

Then there was the Jewish guy, who never made a peep during sex and had the tiniest penis, where I had to wonder if it was actually in me when we hit the sack. I could hear his neighbors garage door open and shut, 3 doors down, while he orgasmed. Not one moan escaped his lips which was weird. Odd in that he is so personable and outgoing with his clothes on... He goes down in history as the worst sex I've ever had.

Then there was the Italian guy back in my mid-20s who waited patiently on the sidelines until I dumped the biggest douchebag of them all. He was slick and personable, not quite the sharpest tool in the shed, but the life of the party when he showed up...also, goes down as the 2nd worst sex in history. He couldn't keep it up. It would rise, tilt right, and go flaccid in a couple minutes. He apologized and stroked it to try and have it salute me, but it never lasted more then a few minutes. This was pre-Viagra but it was so disappointing to have wasted a "number" on him.

I'm sure I will get some fallout for this and will pay for it in some way...lucky in that I'm not famous, sharing sordid details to Playboy, but I hope I don't lose any of you as my friend.

I have obviously disappeared for a few months, gathering material (dating) for those 6 readers of this site and preparing to launch a full website dedicated to dating, relationships, and a goodie bag selection of adult toys you may too embarrassed to visit the Hustler store for. Stay tuned for www.datingavengers.com. If you have any toys, books, advice to give, please email me! I need strong, sexy, smart, and vocal men who can give advice and contribute content or suggestions.

New Years Resolution = No More Manthers

The New Year is time for taking stock, time reflecting on past mistakes and learn from those lessons so you don't continue with that cycle of bad relationships with people, food, w

ork, etc....this lesson takes form in the annual New Years Resolution. What is yours? I've got 4 so far but working on a list of 100:

(1) To not kiss any frogs, douchebags, or any Stevens

(2) To work harder

(3) To not be so tough on myself

(4) To not date any more dudes pushing 50, in their 50s, or even resembling a manther

I've always had the warm and fuzzies for these baby boomers because they got that old-school appeal of being a gentleman, asking you out by calling you on the phone vs. texting (I received a date request via text 2 hours ago), opening doors, or understanding when you want to wait. Lately, I've been disappointed, their appeal is waning thru a series of mundane and boring dates, each one more frustrating then the next. It dawned on me during my flight back to LAX from Atlanta, I had dated so many manthers that I forgot what it was like to date in someone in my generation.

I gave myself a huge reality check, pulled myself out of that pit of denial, and wrote down reminders so I won't tempt myself again.

- They don't burn the midnight oil or stay up past Leno. Late night dinners give them heartburn.

- Going to bathroom in the middle of the night at least once is guaranteed.

- Adventure or risky are terms only familiar to them in watching movies or novels. They aren't likely to try sky-diving with you or rappel down cliffs.

- Increased amounts of hair growing from their eyebrows, ears, & nose.

- If they were never in shape before, not likely to start any exercise regime...so ladies, if you are in your prime 40s, they will be huffing and puffing during the mating ritual.

- Dinner & Movies are their M.O. Variety is not their schtick.

- They have a hair product aversion. No hairspray, gel, creme or wax. I don't know why this is but if any of my manthers are reading this, would you fill me in?

Manther #2, Jake the Jew: I knew it wouldn't last by the 2nd date because he was an "old" 50 and if I allowed it to continue, I would eventually be his nurse and we would be complaining about our ailments together. He was lean, smart, witty but a little 80s old fashioned. He never admitted it, but I detected that he had Parkinson's on our 2nd date, his hand jittered when pouring me a drink. His full head of gray hair was handsome but lost its appeal since it was floppy- he never made friends with gel, so it aged him even further. We attempted to be intimate once but the tree kept falling and I was embarrassed to ask if the needed Viagra. His bedroom reminded me of the early 90s, the whitewash furniture with navajo print rugs and blanket. He seemed to stop evolving past his early 30s, a time capsule in his home and hair. I tried hard to overlook everything since he was so sweet and gentleman to the core but there wasn't anything seductive about him. The moment I realized the end was near: he complained for 10 minutes that the city erected a stop sign on a side street that sucked for him..and he wore denim on denim. I couldn't get over it. Denim jacket and denim jeans.

While the guys here are gorgeous, being match-matchy is so 80s in a bad way.

I'd like to make it thru March before I break any of my resolutions above so, I will not be be avoiding the following Manther Dens:

Mastro's Steakhouse- Costa Mesa

The Love Rug

The Houseboat

Battle of the Sexes..

This chick loses it over a loser boyfriend who is glued to his PS3 and the couch. He has some nerve to ask her for a cold one....What would you do? Thanks to www.breakmedia.com for this video!



Angry Hot Chick Destroys Boyfriends PS3 - Watch more Funny Videos

Learn the Ancient, Desperate Art of Man Hunting

This 80's man catching video recommends that you (1) carry a stuffed animal (2) wear a shirt with a slogan or (3) talk softly so he has to lean in or catch his interest. How about the advice to stare so he knows you like him? Did you know that 40% of men are shy....hitting on him is tapping into a gold mine! Well, as any good dating avenger gal should do, I'm giving this the old college try. I'll let you all know if any of these 80s tips work on picking up a hot dude or if I end up with a dud.

Calories Burned During Sex

An oldie but goodie....Can anyone tell me what an "Italian Chandelier" is?? You win a prize if you do!