60 Minutes by Lady T

Inspirations can come to us in many ways, hiking on a quiet path in the woods, toiling away at a much despised job, or as a single chick in LA, going on a bad date that makes one wonder if she is on an episode of Punk’d and this troll of a dude ever had a mother. This blog was created to help others learn to listen to their instincts, how to determine the men from the boys, and navigate the dating jungle. It isn’t easy and if I can help you avoid a potential bad-boyfriend waiting-to-happen and keep the guy(s) you like in perpetual heat, maybe you can hit the LA jackpot: single, employed, non-actor, available, & ready.


To set the scene, I met “The Tongue” (nicknamed by J.M.) at Whole Foods in Venice (apparently, this is a meat market, excuse the pun) after yoga. I was feeling a bit vulnerable, sweaty, distracted…but not enough to stop myself from scanning the scene for good looking guys. The Tongue noticed me and commented on my beauty, then disappeared into the singles section aka the cooked & prepared foods aisles. Stop by Whole Foods around 8pm- it’s a scene that would put any bar to shame. Hmmm, I thought to myself, I still have it or maybe it was the bright coral lululemon leggings? Ladies, if a dude likes you, he will find a way to get your name, digits, & email. He knows how to make it happen. Guess who intercepted me at the checkout?

He walked me to my car and tried to impress me with his materialistic possessions (red flag #1) and how he wasn’t a douche bag when he gave me his card and asked me to call him It’s pretty simple, guys like the hunt and making the first move is like putting a sign on your head “24 Hour Delivery”. Sorry, “I don’t know how to make the first move”, was my response. He asked for my card.

I should‘ve listened to my guy/ gut instincts. I tweeted but also facebooked it to my 171 friends before the date, “I hope my date isn’t a douche bag”. I was nagged by my bullshit barometer that there’s something not quite right with The Tongue. The warning signs were there, I just ignored the caution signs posted all around him. “Do Not Enter”, “STOP”, “WRONG WAY”. I had all the information I needed from our very first encounter.

Theory: A guy will demonstrate everything you need to know about him in less than 60 minutes.

It is that simple. You just have to pay attention.

Men are “as-is” merchandise. Remember that controlling boyfriend you had? Or the lazy one? The cheapskate who had you buy your own cup of coffee for the first date? Did they morph into that ideal guy???? That first hour glimpse into your date’s persona provides a wealth of info that YOU decide if it’s worth dealing with. I believe that women are never gullible but will ignore our instincts and let many, many bad behaving men enter our lives for fear of loneliness. I was guilty of that. Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate whenever the bell rang, I am learning to listen and run whenever a guy “as-is” merchandise is grossly damaged, non-returnable (beyond repair was my initial thought, but work with me here….there is no such thing). Take them exactly as they are. There is no - he’s a really good guy, deep down inside-. If he is a great guy, you will see that. If he’s a jerk and you like jerks, stick around, otherwise jump back on that dating merry-go-round.

Back to The Tongue .

During the following week, we spoke a few times, each call, all The Tongue ever talked about was how great he is and property he wants to acquire, blahty, blah, blah... Was all this self promotion & narcissism due to nervousness? I thought this a**hole is full of himself, but I ignored my better judgment and agreed on a time to meet up.

Disclaimer: I am notoriously known for giving dudes a 2nd shot because of the nice girl in me.

I am learning to be “Nice with a little bitch, bitch with a little nice. Keep ‘em guessing.” I heard that somewhere but it has sat with me for a while now.

Red Flag #2- The Tongue called the day of the date and confirmed the time, but it was for an hour earlier than we agreed. Okaaay, hmmm, I did have earlier plans and would have to readjust my entire schedule to accommodate him. I kept my inner princess attitude in check since it was only yoga I was skipping out on, yet giving up that on the 1st date, I was already giving up part of who I was for a stranger I hardly knew. I like working on my Cirque de Soleil’ish arm balancing tricks but I allowed my needs come in 2nd, putting his desires (we’ll get to that in a moment) 1st. Anyone see anything wrong with this formula?

Ok, 2nd impression, my date was a little too slick and gelled up for a first date. Hair: Gelled and hard enough to bounce a quarter off of. Clothes: All black, a little snug. Scent: A cloud of Eau de Arrogance and Aqua di Gio??? I realized at that moment this date was going to suck, but eternal optimism wouldn’t let me believe it would go down as the Worst Date in History. By the way, the snug clothes weren’t due to a thyroid problem. He was a bit chubby and didn’t want to go a size up (arrogant if you ask me). Own it. When chubby guys embrace their size, that’s sexy.

Red Flag #3- The Tongue talked about his many talents in oral sex during the 1st hour of the date. My guess, he’s a talker, not a do’er. I should’ve got up and left. What made me stay? He talked about my butt & oral sex. I’m a roll with it kind of girl but there are times when you DON’T. There is something definitely wrong with this picture.

Red Flag #4- The Tongue admitted to running a brothel business in college. I admire the entrepreneurship but a little mystery never hurt anyone. Save this tidbit for another time.

Red Flag#5- The Tongue said he 1st checked out my ass and followed up to my face. Remember, I was wearing the bright coral leggings….but, a good guy will lie between his teeth and say any of the following:
“I noticed your beautiful hair” “I can tell you keep yourself in good shape”

Red Flag #6- This really is RF#1, he claimed his family owned ¼ of Spain, his aunt had a vineyard in Napa, he runs a international printing business, and was fund-raising to start a private-elite university to nurture brilliant minds so that one day, these protégés would create or solve some world problem and his family would own the rights and be filthy rich from that. This was after the 1st hour of the date. It was all about him.

Red Flag #7- I am 100% positive The Tongue had another date lined up for 8pm. We met for drinks but I forgot the cardinal dating rule. If a dude is into you, he will ask you to dinner.

Red Flag #8- This tool of a douche tried to ask me about my likes, dislikes and family. Tried. The only 3 questions he asked me that evening. Oy. BTW, he cut me off when I tried to talk about anything.

Red Flag #9- The Tongue asked me out again for drinks and appetizers. Cheapie Creepy thought the date went well enough to ask me out again. The nice girl in me thought, maybe I should give him a 3rd chance...maybe he was nervous…maybe? Uhhhh, hell no. I can evolve and I am listening because The Tongue was shouting it out over a bullhorn. I am a loser. I am likely to be part of Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Red Flag #10- Yes, I have a new car. Yes, it’s nice. Thank you for noticing. Why didn’t you notice when you took my card in the parking lot? We stood right behind it. Did you pay attention to me or just my butt?

I hated myself for not listening to my instincts but loved myself enough to wipe the disgust off my face, knowing that yes, I am single, but no, I am not lonely. I choose. I choose to wait and not jump into another mediocre relationship just to avoid being alone.


60 minutes is all you need, really.