Is There Really Anything New to Say About Dating? by S

No collection of anecdotes is more primed to end up in a comic's stand-up set then stories about dating in Los Angeles. Having endured many humiliating moments myself, it almost seems trite to recount. Is there really anything new to add to this old tale?

My mother and I had a discussion recently about how wonderful it is to re-read the classics at different junctions of your life. You discover something new, possible only as a result of evolving life experiences. Jane Austen has always been one of my favorite authors. Reading Sense and Sensibility as a teenager captivated me, but now reading it as a 40 something adult who knows heartache and love's injustices first hand, the meaning is so much richer. So, thinking about this, I concluded, I do have something new to relate about love, and life.

The last year and a half I've taken a detour from editorializing, something I did regularly with cathartic benefits on Payson Road.  My vocal shutdown has been due largely to the pursuit of corporate American bliss which I now see so clearly as, having sucked my soul out of my body. Well, those days are gone now. In an irreverent and possibly inane move, I took the leap and jumped off the professional mountain cliff with the hope my wings would grow on the way down. They are still growing. But the good news is, I think I got my soul back and most crucially, rediscovered my passion.

In the mix of my new professional pursuits, I ended a two year self-sabotaging relationship. I’m not going to rehash the jarring details of the pain I went through. What did come out of it for me was a renewed ability to own my part. I chose to get involved, I chose to stay. He’s still a selfish bastard who broke my heart, but I’ve come to understand that people tell us everything there is to know about themselves within the first three minutes of conversation. Then, we either ignore the red flags or we see them clearly and boldly waving in our face. I chose to ignore my needs in favor of his charms. Not taking care of ones needs is something people [like myself] who struggle with eating disorders are very accomplished at doing. But I’m learning, and I’m transforming and I’m choosing not to be a victim anymore.

Enter the Los Angeles Dating Scene

Years ago after my divorce I dabbled a little in the online dating game, it didn’t go well. Not wanting to strike out again, I’ve gone in the direction of meeting people through friends, or at the bar, the coffee shop, whatever single people do to mingle. For better, or worse, one of my dating preferences has given me the dreaded "cougar" label. I hate that term! So, sue me, I like young guys! Men aren’t called cougars and they’ve been dating younger women for years. Why do women always have to be given a term for something we’re doing like it’s a crime, or a shame? Anyway, that’s another article. Lately I've started to realize that young guys may not always make the best candidates for the long haul.  But the short term can be pretty sweet ;) So after much thought, and crap from my friends, I've decided my needs may be better met with folks who are a little more age appropriate. That is to say, up to ten years younger verses 15, and 20 years younger. Hehehe.

Meet Car Bomb Guy

Meeting a guy in a bar might work, might not. Meeting a guy who is drunk in a bar, not a good start to a relationship. So I met this guy, who, [side note] is 38, and from Boston.  See, I am growing up!  Since he was in the process of downing car bombs with his friends, we’ll call him, "Car Bomb Guy".  Car Bomb Guy and I have a fun time hanging out (in between his shots) and watching baseball.  He made me laugh, which always works for me.  "Make em laugh, make em breakfast" Words to live by.  Before we part ways, me heading out on a long walk home, him stumbling into a taxi, he asks for my number. Still charmed by the familiar Boston banter, I comply. Then about two hours later, at approximately 1am, he calls me.  It was a long, sloppy message filled with nonsensical slurs and bold requests.

Now most people would tell me (and they did) that this was a bad sign. That in fact, Car Bomb Guy's intentions were not all that honorable.  My response?  Text him back the next morning and invite him to coffee. Well at least I didn't call back in the middle of the night and ask him to meet me for pancakes.

We didn't have coffee that day.  He texted me back to say he was too hung over from the night before and getting ready to fly off somewhere.  Honestly, after that, I did start to listen to my instincts and decided I dodged a bullet.  But it didn't end there.

Flash Forward to one week later -- Date with Car Bomb Guy

We had texted and chatted during the week a bit and set it up to go out for a Saturday night date. He calls me midday Saturday, to find out what I liked to eat, what time, where to pick me up. It all sounded pretty right on. So I rolled with the benefit of the doubt plan.  Saturday night comes around and he picks me up and takes me to a really nice restaurant. He dropped a lot of money on the meal, probably upward of $250 with the wine and different courses. Side Note: Later on after the date several of my guy friends told me that an expensive dinner was a sign that he was looking for some nook and not much else.  That information would have been helpful a little earlier.

We had a nice dinner but I found myself questioning a few things. Like, why he wouldn't tell me his last name all week when we chatted. Hmmm.  And he didn’t really engage with me during dinner. He talked, but not really about himself.  In retrospect it did seem fairly calculating.   After dinner, we head down to the Santa Monica pier. He went right for the kiss in the parking lot of the Mall. Ummm, classy.  And not just a kiss, a mauling.  Still, I'm going with it.  Why am I going with it?

After the jaunt on the beach and the cruise on the pier we hit a martini bar, where he proceeded to drink a lot more.  Um, Red Flag #whatever?  Yeah. When he took me home, he made it pretty clear he wanted to come up. In fact, he was coming up, dammit.  I started hoping my neighbors Mike and Dave were home cause I was about ready to yell up and ask them to come down and strong arm him outta there.

What’s a Girl to Do?

Now, I'm down with Marvin Gaye just as much as the next girl. But, I really wasn't feelin gettin it on with Car Bomb Guy.  But yes, I felt the pressure from him taking me to such a nice restaurant. Does nice restaurant translate to you gotta put out? No, it doesn’t.

Endgame here was that yes, in fact, all he wanted was sex. And yes, what a louse and a jerk, who with the exception of one text the next day, never contacted me again. But as a strong woman, who owns her part, I have to look at this and say, why did I go out with this guy at all? He told me everything I needed to know the night I met him.  And not only did I go out with him, I knew it didn't feel right during the date yet I stayed with it.

Are we as women so programmed to please that we truly can't take care of our own needs?  It’s not just that I ignored my instincts it’s that I made my needs secondary to the idea that a guy was interested in me. But I'm here to tell you girls, WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!!!  And we deserve better than this. We need to stay in our power and be clear on what it is we need and want. Only then will we allow the space for the right person to come into our lives. 

Lesson Learned – If a guy calls you at 1am the night he met you, it’s a booty call, especially if he's been drinking car bombs 

DWELLER FACT:  An Irish car bomb is a pint of Guinness with a shot of Bailey's and Jameson floating at the top of the shot which is then dumped in the pint and consumed quickly before it curdles. Ah yes, the ultimate recipe for sweeping a woman off her feet.

The real lesson here is, be true to your needs. Make a list of what qualities you gotta have in a partner, it may be cornball, but necessary. And if you see any red flags, don’t chase the football down the field, cause remember now, Red Flag = Challenge. So step to the side and let them review the play. Chances are he'll end up losing a few yards.