Manthers

I’ve got a thing for older men, always have, although not many of my friends understand this attraction. The acceptable age range has crept up as I’ve gotten older (meet me in person and I’ll deny being older than 29), where 5, 8, & 13 years was once shocking and in recent months, having shared this insane chemistry with someone almost 20 years older than me, continually blows my mind. Although the May-December relationship isn’t a new concept like cougars, no doubt the questions I get invariably asked is, “how is the sex?”, “can he keep it up?”, “is he using Viagra or Cialis?”, “how long can he last?”, and “don’t you worry about him having a heart attack?” Like that little black dress, each one ever so slightly different on how it lays against your body, the 3 manthers I’ve dated in the last 18 months may have been made from the cloth in the 1950s...did they stand the test of time like a vintage DVF dress or were riddled with moth holes?

To clarify, I am referring to dudes nearing the age range where mail starts arriving from the AARP, an organization that provides advice, discounts, and benefits if you shell out $16 to join...its the 50+ club. I had no idea who or why the AARP was sending my ex-husband’s mail to my new home. Curious as to who this organization was or why they would want him as part of their group, I committed a federal crime and opened his mail (in my defense, he has been and I assume, still is, out of the country, half-way across the world for 4 years now). Junk mail. It got me thinking- How old is too old??? The pickings aren’t slim in LaLa land, where there is more variety than Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors, but when you find that flavor that makes you want to indulge in seconds, thirds, and more to satiate that craving, does age matter when the we have drugs, yoga, personal trainers, organic food, and Astroglide to keep our hearts ticking and our libido working well into our 80s?

My baseline for purposes of this article (To all my 50+ friends, I don’t consider you old. When you own your age, size, hair and don’t give a damn about anyones’s opinion of yourself, that’s incredibly sexy!) are the baby boomers, born between 1946-1964, some may not be old enough to collect social security in the eyes of our government, but old enough to score the Tuesday night early bird, geriatric hour special at Black Angus. So, how old is too old??? Any guy near the “half-your-age-plus-7” rule of when a relationship would be considered indecent is what I consider a “manther” or any man born in the generation before me (I am a Gen-X’er).

Ron Burgundy, manther number 3. Not my personal nickname for him, nor his personality type, or his profession but close enough that those who know me can guess who he is. To him, I was known as #19. The 19 year age difference. Our paths crossed by chance in the Southwest terminal at LAX, with me eyeing the “Expert Traveler” line, annoyed and wondering why the families and children ahead of me, with their bottles, bags, strollers, and toys were not in the “Leisure Traveler” line. Yes, I am one of those people. Traveling brings out the Type A, neurotic, and impatient personality in me. Ron is an astute man and said a few words to placate me, “you will make my flight in time, don’t worry”. Okay, I thought to myself, I’ll play along because it sure beats watching people go thru the metal detector ten times because they don’t follow instructions well. To this day, I can only recall part of our conversation being about Vegas... I teased Ron, who was en-route to our state’s capital, “ why would you want to go to Sacramento? Its too bad you are not going to Vegas”.

Ron was flirting with me and I had no idea! This guy is talented, I didn’t see it coming. That’s the thing with some older guys...they’ve had years of practice and are smooth in their approach and take-off. I thought Ron was just making conversation (side note: usually, when a guy approaches to you, its with a purpose and not to chat in order to pass time. Their objective is to get your name & number), so I blew him off after TSA waived me thru & I ran to my gate, hoping to score an earlier flight. Its a good thing I didn’t. We were both early for our flights because Ron eventually found me waiting to board my flight, oblivious to him. He handed me his card (don’t know if he was watching me all this time. Convenient or perfectly timed?) while I was on my phone, said good-bye and disappeared. Hmm, was it me or my silky, purple blouse and gray pencil skirt wondrous man-catching powers?

I debated on whether to call Ron, skeptical about dating someone in his chosen career and after a couple clicks, Google revealed his age. Damn! Why did he have to be in his 50s? I saw that large age gap as black and white, Ron was too old for me. Over-analyzing is the root of all relationship evil- I thought about what would happen years later if we were still together, would I be taking care of him? I saw the struggles my mother had with dad, 20+ years her senior, her 40s cut short,by spending the next 17 years until he passed away, as his caretaker. I decided to be present (yoga mantra) and live in the moment. I firmly believe that its tough for two people to find love (we’re talking the decent “half-your-age-plus-7, non jail bait years) and if you are lucky enough to have it, who gives a damn what other people think. I was about to become a hypocrite after announcing to my friends that I was done with dudes 10+ years older then me....well, just one more time I thought.

Curious to find out why he was still single, I called up Ron a week later, not because I was playing games, but didn’t really consider him dating material. In his 50s, never been married, no children, and likely to be a playboy. Never even gave marriage a shot...what’s wrong with him?? Can’t commit and choosing the same bachelor path like Al Pacino and Bill Maher? Or hasn’t met the right woman? Maybe he’s hit the point of no return, where variety is the norm and settling down would be too monotonous? How pleasantly surprised I was that this manther had a wicked sense of humor and was normal (smart & worldly, I already knew)! He admitted that he lurked- memorized my name & number from my luggage tag and also googled me. Bonus points! Older dude made the effort to find me but not stalker scary to use all his resources to track me down or call me.

Ron understood courtship. The beautiful aspect about some baby boomers is that they were raised with traditional values of how a woman should be treated, yet grew up in an era where women were liberated from the confines of only raising children and worked outside the home. He would never ask me to go Dutch, or take turns paying. Ron called consistently, yet was mysterious. He opened doors for me. He won me over when he brought me key lime pie on a whim. This older guy wanted to get to know me and like me before getting into my pants. I never questioned Ron’s sexuality (he is metro but not gay) when he didn’t pressure me for a kiss on the first date or sex on the 3rd. I’ve encountered this rare breed before but not in LA. He understood its about the mental foreplay, the anticipation, not knowing if sex will be at the finish line but enjoying the twists and turns, its about the journey. Refreshing. My previous dates with younger men could be summed up in two words. Lazy & Impatient. My guess? A diet of video games, a twisted view of feminism, and instant gratification. Twisted feminism taught them its ok to not open doors, because we can do it ourselves...We can buy our own meals because we don’t want to owe anything to anyone. Their mantra, We Can Do Everything!, left us getting stuck with doing everything. Video games are no longer played by the pimply, scrawny geek but by grown men who prefer the company of female avatars thru their online gaming community than a real life woman. Why make the effort to get dressed and call for a dinner reservation when they can woo an avatar with a couple clicks of the mouse? Sex by the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd date is giving them instant gratification...they give minimal effort and they get maximum returns. Can we blame them for being slackers when we perpetuate their laziness by giving them the goodies before they’ve even lifted a finger? Marcela recently shared a story where she arrived at her date’s home, finding him in his underwear, playing video-games...was he raised by a pack of wolves?

Many manthers are also secure in their age and looks, their graying hair and wrinkles are distinguished and wise. They have gotten use to an extra line or too, an age spot here and there. Recently, marketers have begun aggressively targeting these baby boomers for hair dye, injections, and lifts...I’m on my knees begging you all, please don’t do it! Chemical peels or Rogaine, is fine but step away from the surgeons scalpel. Bruce Jenner, Mickey Rourke, & Barry Manilow anyone? Lines are like scars, it tells a story, chapters in your life that make you unique and individual. A face without lines are too many visits to Dr. Rey, frozen and uninteresting.

The bedroom.

I run so I have the stamina for sex. I do yoga so I can be flexible during sex. To answer the questions above...Fabuuuulous! Hell Yes. Don’t think so. I would imagine, hours and days, if we had more time together. Not really. Ron understood it was about taking care of my needs first and was he ever happy to oblige. Extraordinary student of past girlfriends? This manther didn’t rush me or go beyond what I was comfortable, which allowed me move at my own pace, however fast or slow, whenever I was ready. A number of younger men could learn this lesson: the connection is more intense, fun, and satisfying for us if they just waited instead of pushing for it every single time. There was a dilemma- I was not 100% completely satisfied and I sensed Ron was conflicted about something. I wanted more. Great sex is like heroin. I was hooked. I also liked him. Dangerous combo. I also sensed a change in us. He pulled back ever so slightly, a shift barely detectable, but I knew when it happened. Ron, unfortunately, had complications a few months into us dating, which meant in the mating world, an ex-girlfriend popping back into this life and ???. He explained that his ex wanted to try making it work again...he felt the same way and maybe he was too old for me (hmm, I do recall a conversation we had earlier where he didn’t care about the age difference as long as I didn’t)....except he hadn’t planned on telling me until I asked him why he was playing games. I was plan B. My gut tells me he wasn’t being a jerk but caught between a rock and hard place having to make a decision that he would rather have put off for as long as he could.

I deduced from his ex-girlfriends of relationships past timeline and assumed it was a woman he was madly in love with, despite him telling me it was a girl he was seeing prior to me. Didn’t matter, either way, there were two options, detox and go into rehab (celibacy) or manage the addiction by getting it in small doses. I was disappointed and won’t deny that there were feelings for him, but my only option was to go cold turkey. He stopped making the effort to court me because he wasn’t available. In my eyes, it was black & white, no gray areas, either he’s interested or not. He knew how to make it happen. If he wanted to include me as part of this life, he would have. Perhaps I’m over-simplifying matters?

Older men are wonderful creatures in that they gone thru enough women-life experiences to appreciate our crazy PMS moments and know that it will pass over. They’ve dated plenty of all the wrong ones to know when a great woman comes into their life. Ron wasn’t stodgy and boring. He had no shame in admitting he was a metrosexual or preferred classical music to rock. He was confident yet had an understated demeanor...nothing is more of a turn off when a guy tries too hard. It was sexy that he was ok with his faults or inadequacies, that he wasn’t trying to be perfect, which is a turn on. Yes, he was a chubbier guy, but that never mattered to me because his personality, character, and charm won me over. What was not ok, is being like a back-up, someone to do when there is nothing to do.

Its too bad that we didn’t work out. We are friends today and I have left that door open should the timing be ever be right between us....but only as Plan A.