Target Rich Environments by Lady T

1 : n Term used in military to combat situation in which an attacker is presented with a large number of highly desirable, poorly defended and high-value targets all at once.

2 : n, pl Locations where many single, attractive, and unattached members of the opposite sex gather in a public setting.

I’ve tried it all. There have been periods of time when I have been in a dating desert, resorting to online matchmaking or going on that blind date (he turned out to be a budding psychic/Eastern medicine doctor/skate boarder who wanted to do readings for the celebutards) set up by a stranger (spotted me in yoga pants at Whole Foods), that made me wonder , "Had I hit rock bottom? Do I need a dating intervention by Dr. Drew?" I knew I was at an all-time low, when I bribed Marcela, into the world of speed dating with me, cheered on by supporting, friends with plus ones, who compared this approach to meeting men, fun, exciting, new, fresh…For who?? Speed dating is a "Don’t". You have zero control over selection and can’t employ your usual tactics to ward off the durges, so you sit and play nice for 2 hours with "dates" your mother wouldn’t even set you up with. I couldn’t drink them into being charming, handsome, and witty men, so I went with the easiest conversational route, I filled the empty gaps with questions that would invite the least amount of questions being asked from me. The highlight of the evening was when it ended- with a list of names and either a YES or NO, next to them ...thanks goodness rejects were served up electronically (we planned on slipping out the side door or faking food poisoning).

I have a love-hate relationship with online dating. It’s like that exciting, bad-for-you-but-repeat-lover that enters your life…its great…for a few months. You’re hungry with lust, preoccupied with the shininess that you forget the sour moments. You overlook the temperamental, controlling, and wicked behaviors until it rears up again in missed dates and phone calls. When those bad memories fade, I start up again….online….but each time, wiser, so that bad-for-you-lover is not a groundhog day, repeating itself, over and over again. Love the variety, hate the screening process- many of them just want to get laid. Love that it satisfies my need for instant gratification, hate that they’ve lied about their height, weight, & age. Love the ego boost, hate the fact that it’s a full time job tracking the winks, emails, date invites, and trying to remember the conversations I had with Greg, Tom, Steve #1, 2, 3, Mike, etc. Love liking the nerds who I never thought would make the cut, hate that those I was enamored with did not return those same sentiments.

Online and speed dating have not worked for me, so taking a cue from Pavlov, I’ve narrowed down areas that you ladies can play the game and come out on top.

Before you step out that door…….

Ladies, experience has taught me that, they, men, are always scanning, casing, watching, scoping. They can check out your rear, hair, face, boobs, legs, hips, and lips (and fantasize an entire sexual encounter with you) while driving, talking, eating in less than 9.7 seconds…..its about the only activity they can multi-task at. 69 does not count.

So before you step out, I plead and beg with you, make the effort! Run a flat iron through your ‘do, spritz on perfume, mascara always helps, and a little lip gloss never hurt anyone. We all know men are visual and we ALL love beautiful packaging! Yes, we are tired and don’t have time to wash our hair, put on makeup, or slip on something beautiful….all excuses. Running your errands? Shopping for groceries? Picking up take-out? Slip into something sexy yet casual. Clothes with stains on them? Toss it out! Not sure what sexy casual is? Grab one of your STRAIGHT male friends (gay men may know fashion but straight men know what turns them on), bribe ‘em with food, and try on clothes for them. Friends may say, "dress for yourself", yet will they be there to rub your feet or share cuddle with you in front of the fireplace?

After doing much intensive research, here’s Lady T’s list of Target Rich Environments I’ve met some major cuties at, enjoy!

12. The Stairs, Santa Monica. Times: 6:30-8:00am & 5:30-7:00pm
LAPD, LAFD, the willing, the able, all shapes and sizes. 5:1 ratio. Dress in cute workout clothes, bring your smile, and no grungy sweats!

11. NAB (National Association of Broadcasters) show, Las Vegas. Sometime in April.
30:1 ratio (guesstimate, possibly in the 50:1 ratio) . A LOT of men, roaming the convention floor. Find a way to the parties…you have NO idea how many men there are!

10. Golf Driving Range, evening hours. Stick and Balls, need I elaborate?

9. Batting cages. Bigger stick and bigger balls…..

8. REI, anywhere & any store. Evenings and weekends. 7:1 ratio. All-American outdoorsy, males.

7. Steakhouses, the Mortons kind, not Sizzler. 7:00-10:00pm weekdays. Men like meat. It’s that simple. Go to their natural habitat. Can’t eat alone? Bring the paper and catch up on the news.

6. Airports: again, no sweats, please. Save them for cleaning your house. Dress to kill. Do your research and due diligence – Do they have a separate life with kids/wife/dogs?

5. Whole Foods, Venice. Weekdays: 6:00p-9:00p, weekends: all day.

4. Hiking and running trails. Mornings & early evenings. Bikers, hikers & runners.

3. Muddy Buddy, Mud Run, Competitive Athletic events- volunteer, participate or be a spectator. AMGEN Tour de California, btw, does not allow female volunteers in the medical tent. Apparently the bikers don’t want to be nude in front of women, go figure!

2. Networking Events. Score business contacts and/or dates. Two birds with one stone…

1. Sporting events. Baseball, basketball, hockey, tennis, soccer (David Beckham strips off his jersey at the end of the game & tosses it into the crowd, wow!), football, golf, polo, etc. Prefer indoor sports? Billiards, Poker, darts, shuffleboard.

On a last note- practice makes perfect- take this opportunity and practice your flirting skills on the random & harmless- DILFs,(coined by Sarah Mason) the married, the old geezers, and young (please avoid the jailbait years). Put a smile on their face….and perhaps they might pay it forward with a cute friend, nephew, son, brother, cousin to set you up with.