Looks Good on Paper

I am divorced and lousy at flirting. How I manage to have scored enough dates to write this blog blows my mind. Marriage takes you out of the dating game and the skills of flirting that one was finely hones through the seminal periods of your life ends abruptly. I missed out on these years. I was a “relationship” girl before I was married, and never really developed this talent to seduce men. I had only 2 boyfriends before I got married, so being tossed into the dating world was like jumping on a bike for the first time- without training wheels or helmet for when you have the misfortune of steering the bike into oncoming traffic. Who knew you needed to practice dating?? My naïveté did not prepare me for the world of game affairs- guys who are devoid of any soul who have zilch personality because of the utterly pure, and absolute obsession with themselves.

Bionic Man winked & emailed me 2 years ago during my power dating months. He was as perfect a guy as any woman could get on paper. Jewish (this is the Westside after all), divorced (hey, it shows that he can commit), healthy (elaborations to follow), successful (family owned business), smart, and had an incredible body (Ironman tri-athlete). Ever date an IronMan? If I were a Jew, my mother would be planning the Bar Mitzvah for the 2.5 boys we would have with the husband, house, job… the trifecta. Bionic had this gorgeous 6 bed, 5 bath, north of Montana home in Santa Monica, VP of Sales, drug free, no children, and said he was looking for a LTR. Oy. Why didn’t I read between the lines? My brain did a virus scan and quarantined all his lousy attributes and failed to see that worm for who he was. Everything on paper was just a little too perfect.

I was so out of practice from dating that I believed he was everything I read on online thru a dating site, so impressed by his story that I left my self-esteem at the door and glued the rose-colored glasses to my head. Something emotionally major happened to this jerk and it was astoundingly obvious from the moment we met, but I chose to ignore the warning bells that drowned out the logical voices yelling at me to RUN! I can’t believe I wasted 3 months, pining over a guy who was emotionally equivalent to a nightlight, all because he “looked good on paper”. He was dull, boring, unimaginative, cold, and reeked of narcissism- why didn’t someone smack me on the backside of my head? Looks like one, Smells like one, Acts like one= Tool of a Douche!

Having Standards

Standards 101
Thou shall NEVER meet a stranger for a 1st date at his home, ever. I wanted his approval so badly, that I did some pretty stupid things. Nothing happened to me and I’ve been lucky enough to have avoided landing on the 5 o’clock news about some sad story about a girl who went on a date and disappeared. Why didn’t any of my friends stop me? Why didn’t I stop myself? Curious to know what the rape/murder/stalking stats are from online dating….anyone? What was I thinking?? I did text my friends his address, email, company name, and phone# after I Googled him, to ensure that he was not on the registered sex offender website, but a lot of good that would do me if I ended up in a trash bin off the 405 freeway! I risked my safety for a date? I asked Bionic if we could meet at a restaurant and he thought it would be much more convenient if we met at this home…..convenient for whom? Any guy who wasn’t raised with a pack of wolves knows that it’s about making the woman feel comfortable and safe, not about making things easier for himself (well, that changes later but not when he’s trying to woo you…red flags anyone?). Not my brightest moment, right?

Standards 102
Our 1st date, was spinning, yes, spinning. Thou shall dump anyone who thinks spinning is a way to start off a first date. Should I even bother to continue? If a guy ever takes you on a first date that is non-romantic or he has made zero effort in planning it, drop him like 3rd period math. If he even shows up at your door asking, “where to?”, drop him. If he isn’t trying hard to impress or romance you, do the math, the odds are not in your favor.

I’ll give him a little credit, we did have dinner afterwards but this story is far from being over. Of course after 1.5 hours of spinning, one would be sweaty and gross, and of course Bionic offered up his home to shower at, his effort in making me feel “comfortable” was that it had it a couple wings - I could choose to shower in any of the 5 bathrooms. Yes, I kept going with this plan. Ugh. I cleaned up, dressed, and started to head downstairs for our date but Bionic had other plans for me.

He was shirtless when I came out of the bathroom and I panicked, thinking to myself, “what the fuck did I get myself into?” I was very naïve and silently cursed, wondering how I would get myself out of this situation. Bionic pulled me in for a kiss and said arrogantly, “I am the kind of guy that doesn’t stick around if a girl doesn’t want to sleep with me”. He was the first guy, post-divorce, that announced this…me, with my self -esteem at an all time low, could only mutter the words, “let’s get to know each other better”. No, I did not sleep with him that night, nor for the several dates after that but the rudeness and self-deserving attitude was so appalling and foul. Apparently his line has worked with many women in the past, otherwise Bionic would have employed different tactics. The Lady T now would have no problem in letting the words roll out of her mouth, “Were you raised under a rock somewhere? Maybe you should crawl back under it!” Yes, we went out again, which taught me….

Standards 103
Thou shall leave skid marks if any toad uses sex as a condition of dating. If you agree to that condition, you’ve accepted his terms. The entire relationship was on his terms.

Standards 104
Thou shall not continue to seeing a guy that leaves you alone in his home. Alright, so everyone is thinking this is relationship nirvana, right? He trusts me (Scouts honor, I never snooped..wanted to, dying to, but never did) and thinks of me as his girlfriend, right? Ha! I was left alone because he had better things to do that did NOT include me. After all, he was an IronMan, which meant he spent many hours running, biking, & swimming, leaving me to wait and wait. Proceed with caution when dating these guys because they are only concerned with their athletic performance during training season. On our 3rd date, Bionic left in the middle of it to train, leaving me alone in his home for 5 hours. Each date thereafter, he left me alone so he could train, only after he got what we wanted.

Side note: Its not the easiest to date Ironman triathletes because they are consumed with training 24 x7. Yes, even when they sleep, they are known to wear heart rate monitors on their chests. Type A personalities on steroids. They are fanatical about what they eat and drink, how long and often to cycle, run, swim, what hill climbs to bike, how many MPH they will run, how many calories to injest, when to take their vitamins, what races to compete in so they qualify for the next, and how they will place. My observation? Family came 1st, work was 2nd, and Ironman was 3rd. Nothing else mattered. Other stories shared with me, family and friendships came last. These triathletes during training season (if they complete in multiple Ironman/Half-Ironman, every season is IronMan season) spend at least 4-5 hours daily, either swimming, running, cycling. Add the hours up. 24 hours a day, 8 hours working, 8 hours sleeping, 5 hours training, 1 hour eating…that leaves 2 hours of free time. This was my experience. Others may have dated Ironman who were not consumed with training but you have been forewarned.

Standards 105
Thou shall not feel guilty if your date does not eat. Dinners out consisted of him eating a Caesar salad with 7-up, or just 7-up. I ate orange chicken, he drank Sprite. I ate Osso Buco, he had Caesar salad. Thinking back, I don’t think he ate anything outside of Caesar salad or power bars….odd. I was cranky from eating less (don’t know how people ever diet) and felt pangs of guilt, out-eating a man was not lady-like and I was perpetually HUNGRY around him. I can pack it away, friends are amazed that I can chow down and not have it pop up in a saddle bag or muffin top, so not eating will bring out the dragonlady!

Standard 106
Thou shall not date a man with B.O. Those crystal, all-natural deodorants did NOT work and he refused to slap on Right Guard. Maybe it was because of the 50 vitamins he took every day? Do you tell someone they reek, even just out of a shower? It grossed me out to put my head is that “nook”. He manscaped everywhere else…should’ve shaved his pits too. What got me was that Bionic didn’t care that he rank and stank. Do tell or not to tell? A pirate bath several times during a day never hurt a guy. Are the peeps at Gillette reading this? Maybe they could invent disinfectant, arm pit wipes with built in deodorant?

Standards 107
Thou shall end a relationship if she feels lonelier with him then without him. I spent countless hours alone, even when he was sitting right next to me. He was obsessed about marathons, triathlons, and Pelatons, but never cared to ask what I liked to do. I don’t think he ever asked about me.

Standards 108
Thou will only believe what she sees with her own eyes and let his actions to the talking.

Standards 109

If you get a feeling that the guy is not being genuine then you are 100% right! How often do you hear that you are correct or right? Now, go be that clever doll that you are….

BTW, if any of you out there can give me tips on how to seduce, flirt, and drive a man crazy, I’m all ears! Drop a comment or many, and I would be eternally in debt to you! Seductresses or my fellow womanizers: please enlighten us with your tricks of the trade.
-Lady T